Going to Town, Chinese Style

OK, so we’re in Vietnam, and I have my Hanoi post written in my head. But hey, you say, no skipping ahead! We’re not done with China yet! And you’re right!

While the areas we’ve been to in China have been major cities or heavily trodden by backpackers, the language and cultural barriers have been far more difficult to overcome than they were in Japan. Perhaps the area in which this gap is most evident is transportation, so for those who may one day travel to southern China, here’s a quick guide on how to get around.

On Foot: It may come as a surprise, but there are a great many people in China. Accordingly, pushing, shoving, bumping, and worming one’s way are all necessary skills in getting from one place to another. Politeness is pointless. Violence can be tempting. But if you adhere to the following easy steps, you too may exit China with un-blown gaskets.

1. Traffic rules are non-existent, or not followed. Accept this. Occasionally, the Chinese government will allow pedestrian overpasses over large thoroughfares, but you will often find yourself contending with all manner of buses, bicycles, motorbikes, cars, army transports and mangy livestock in your efforts to cross the street to check out whether someone in that noodle place speaks English or has a picture menu. To address this issue, Claire and I have adopted “Operation Chinese Shield,” in which we stand by the crossing and wait for a Chinese person who looks like he/she also wishes to part the vehicular seas. At that point, we surreptitiously sneak alongside him/her, cover our heads, and pathetically shelter ourselves from the onrush. This is part of a simple system of behavior rationalization that I’ve developed in China, which holds that I’d rather be pathetic/dirty/funny-looking/embarrassed than dead.

2. Keep looking straight ahead. If you don’t, you’re liable to run into a child or small animal, or an old lady carrying 75 pounds of unidentified animal carcass. The old ladies in China have the strength of linemen, and westerners are their tackle dummies.

3. Don’t be afraid to throw the occasional elbow. You’ve always wanted to do it in the States. And here, they won’t even look at you funny, so go for it!

Via Bus: While automobile ownership is skyrocketing, bus is still the preferred mode of transport in China. There are several different kinds of Chinese buses.

1. The old-fashioned sleeper. This is a bus with some 20 sleeping pods with worn, unwashed blankets and pillows. If you are more than 5’10”, you will need to ride in the fetal position. Comes with free chicken bones adhered to your mattress.

2. The shouter bus. This is a small mini-bus which runs abstract routes, picking up people on the side of the road seemingly at random. The shouter bus is ruled by the Bus Mama, who stands at the door screaming at anyone on the street who looks like he/she might pay the very cheap fee to travel to the destination, which in itself is always flexible. The Bus Mama owns the bus, and her lungs are supreme. Do not question her.

3. The air-conditioned comfy-seater. The Holy Grail of bus transport. This is a busing behemoth, a cool, cushy master of the road. Like all modes of transport, the driver will honk his horn at anything and everything, for any reason whatsoever. The horn is approximately as loud as the Chinese pop tunes that thump through the speakers.

Via Airplane: We’re not the authority on this having only taken one domestic flight in China, but a word to the wise: don’t put your bug cream in your checked luggage. Also, airports seem to be the only public place in China where you can expect public toilets to have toilet paper, soap, a non-pants-related method of hand-drying, and non-toxic, breathable air.

Oh boy, I still have a lot of catching up to do.